Sunday, October 18, 2009

P.S I Love You...from Boot Camp (the things heard in the silence)

Pachenko is currently in Boot Camp in a far away State. So being how we are doing the snail mail for the most part communications pass each other on the mail route. Things have been tough financially so sitting at my desk trying to write a positive cheerful letter to my sweet husband I would keep getting as far as "I Love you, I miss you, the kids love and miss you, we are so proud of you, we are all fine and everything is great" I have a notebook full of these started letters...I never get any farther then this..I miss my husband and love him very much but I don't lie and to me I feel like by writing this I am lying.
I know that the last thing my husband needs is to be worrying about things he can't possibly do anything about back at home. The Army, his boot camp training is where his focus should be, 100% on that which is what I want.
So I start another letter that goes unfinished. As I sit there with pen to paper my cell rings and it's Pachenko 4 kids are sick with horrible colds and now I have it too I am toughing it out..As I answer the phone he says " Hi babe I only have 5 mins I love you" I return the " I love you, the kids love you, we miss you, are you ok? how are things going?" and he says " what's wrong? and I sigh and say " nothing at all" I just lied to my husband I know I did it with his best intentions but the truth would of made him worry..
I was getting pretty stretched thin at the end the night before payday I cracked open my emergency change jar and paid for gas with $20.00 in dimes with a stack of shut-off notices for all our bills for the day after payday. I sat praying that he'd get paid his 1st pay check and I wouldn't have to wait until the 1st of November as I waited for midnight to come I signed onto the bank website patiently waiting for the clock to say 12AM and I was crushed at 12:15AM that no he did not get paid. I stressed, cried, tossed and turned all night worrying what I would do after a restless night of sleep I slept in not wanting to deal with calling all the bill collectors and asking for any more extensions. I rolled out of bed with a heart full of dread feeling like I had let down my husband and my daughters because obviously I had failed keeping it all running smoothly while my husband was gone.
I figured it was time to face the music so I signed online to make sure the depressing $8.00 I had in the bank was still there. I was stunned to see that my husbands pay was deposited. God, Government Doesn't matter who but my prayer was answered so within seconds I was paying every possible bill I could pay online I wiped out 90% of his check paying bills but the relief I felt was worth it.
I got a letter today from Pachenko and I am going to share a part of it with y'all so you can see how much what we don't say can weigh on our Soldiers..when he called I was quiet, withdrawn, feeling defeated and just not my normal self. So here is what Pachenko said:
"Dear Jenni Wynne you sounded upset with me on the phone. If I did something to make you mad I'm sorry! The last thing I want right now is to be here knowing that you're mad at me. The training, the pt, the drill sergeants yelling, little sleep, no free time.. IS ALL EASY for me there's nothing we've done yet that has made me say " I hate this" the only thing that is difficult for me is being away from you and the kids. Sometimes I find it hard to focus because all I can think about is how much I miss you and the kids that is why when I called I didn't say much it's hard for me to Not get upset when I hear your voice. I just miss you and the kids and can't wait to see you all again. You are everything I could possibly want in a woman and I am proud to call you my wife" then a bunch of personal stuff lol and then P.S. I Love You
from boot camp
I wrote my husband a long letter today I told him how I had a cold, how I was happy he called and that everything was running smoothly and as I wrote "I Love you, I miss you, the kids love and miss you, we are so proud of you, we are all fine and everything is great" I meant every word of it...As I rushed to finish the letter, shoving it into an envelope I took off to the post office up to the counter I go..The mail lady asks me how I want it sent I say OVER NIGHT IT even if they hold it until mail day at least I know it will be there for the mail lady puts my letter into an overnight envelope I ask her for it I write lovingly on the back P.S. I love You ...from home

No comments: